Season 3- Diary of a confused hedonist

Its the advent of exam season in India. Exams that make or break the career of people.   Exams that confuse the already confused people. You receive calls daily from several unknown colleges in India and abroad asking you to join their universities. You see people around you trying hard. They wasted the whole year doing something else, but now they want to study. Amongst all this, there is this oen YOU.
The YOU guy wasted the whole year just like others, movies, sleeping, facebook, and what not. But now unlike others, he is still wasting his time. He is good at planning things for himself, making study plans and time tables for the next holiday. All of it goes in vain as soon as that holiday arrives and he involves himself in the usual obstinate things.
But the problem is his incongruous path. While most people themselves throw light on the path they choose, he has other people illuminating his path. He possible doesn't have the diffidence to light a torch himself or doesn't have enough resources to illuminate the path himself. Or maybe he doesn't want to defy the worldly pleasures which have made him into his current insolent self.
Only if there was a Decalogue he could follow, life would have been much much simpler....

The arcane chagrin in the head...

Ever have you felt that sudden chagrin in your head when someone around you starts talking about something you never want to discuss. Social milieu have these special characterstics that make them what they are. You have to just stand there and listen, try and curb your thoughts, maybe try and answer back if you have the audacity to do so.
Social networking on the other hand has created a far more appropriate platform for such situations. You can actually think about it, frame a suitable answer, and then reply back with the best words in your dictionary. Some even manage to aggrandize their reply with proofs from other websites. You will come across many such acrimonious debates on these websites, going on for eternity and aimed at nothing...
 

On days like this I really miss talking to you...
We never talked really.. we just texted
but why do I feel like talking to you every time i feel low!!

I want to talk to you.
But I can't
because I don't have the courage to go through it all again
I know the consequence.
Its just a cycle which would repeat itself again...

The song on the road...

There are days when you want to just walk away from the world, on a long lonely road, listening to the most soothing songs on your player, thinking about or rather imagining all the good things, that might happen to you. You just want to keep on walking just to see where the road leads to, where it ends, where all the miseries, all the anxiety, all the frustration ends, the end of the road, the end.
You think about the good things, you smile at the song playing in the background, you decide not to look back, you just do whats palatable. You remember a few people, who told you it was all a lie, who said that you are just so dead, you think about them, and you just smile, you smile coz you know the lie, the truth, and whatever the lie. You just don't bother to explain, because it was a long road you had in mind, the first thing in your mind.
There is a fear somewhere, what if there is no end here. The road might just be circular, to get you back just right here. Maybe its just the playlist, adjusted to repeat mode..

Same as ever!!

Its been 10 months since I started working in this company. I have looked for so many ways to run out of this place but haven't been able to grasp an opportunity yet. Maybe I didn't try that much. So many people have already left this place, so many are ready to leave. I was the first among them who always knew that I had to leave. But I never tried. I don't know why, just that I never tried.
I have become more of an introvert than I ever was. I don't like talking to anyone, anymore. One of the worst feelings I ever had. It feels as if no one understands me anymore, Mummy, papa, sisters, friends, no one. Maybe its just a phase. But how long is it going to be and whether I will be able to survive and come out strong, I really doubt.
I gave GATE. Didn't get the expected score. That leaves me with no guts to give GRE and TOEFL. And all the job search, that too is going in vain. There must be some way out of all this. I am still searching for it. That courage and determination to win is lost somewhere. I sometimes think if I was just a charlatan in college and all the years before that who turned out to be a big loser as he stepped out into the real world.
My mom says that God answers all prayers someday. I don't understand why is he trying to be sclerotic to my wishes.

Life at the job

Each and every person around e knows how happy I am with my job and how desperately I want to run from this place. I have four options as of now.

1) Give GATE,hope for a good score, fill form for PSUs and switch jobs.
2) Give GATE, hope for a good score, give TOEFL, apply to some foreign universities for M.S.
3) Give GATE, give TOEFL, and then give GRE. Getting a good one in GRE would guarantee me a seat somewhere for M.S.
4) Give GATE, hope for a good score, do M.Tech.

For any of these, I need to start working hard. I am trying to work hard. But the motivation is missing some where. My desperation still doesn't give me an alarm or some sort of jerk to work harder. Just one more month is left for GATE. Lets see whats going to happen.

I AM THE MASTER OF MY FATE, I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL

3 years!!!

18th Jan, 2012
Its been almost three years since I posted my 1st blogpost. Still zero followers, still no-one who reads my blog. Well, that was expected. I dont remember much of the day i Started writing this blog though.. I started two more blogs after I forgot the password to this one. But, at some later stage, I managed to forget the password of the pther pages too and could manage to retrieve only this password. Although I cant edit any of the posts on this other blog http://sentiblogger.blog.com/ it is one of my fav blogs since I seem to have written this blog in a special state of mind, which I might not achieve ever again. And being pretty sure that I am not going to forget the password to this blog, I can go back to reading the sentiblogger page whenever I would wish to read my memoirs in the future.